Unable to Reach "Mortal Perfection"

For those of you unfamiliar with my blog, you should know that it is my primary outlet for student bloopers (that way, someone else laughs with me and I don't need to make a phone call to have someone share the joy of "I want to be a Nero Sergeant.")

Tonight I finally finished grading the Compare/Contrast essays that my sophomores wrote on Benjamin Franklin and Jonathan Edwards (note to self: don't assign the same paper topic next year), and came up with some gems, as usual. Some of my favorites:

Edward's tired to live by his resolutions but failed and was upset by it and continued to strive for it. (I would be tired too if I had a list of 70 resolutions...)
Ben Franklin did this to the perfect person with no help. (Ben Franklin did this to be?)
Thesis statement: Benjamin Franklin and Jonathan Edwards are the two men that have started to be discussed and that will continue to be talked about. (?? Yeah, I don't get it either, and I taught the kid...)
Ben Franklin was unable to reach mortal perfection.
In the past people were always working on betting there selves and today all they care about is just having fun. (Hmm...betting myself sounds like fun!)
Another similarity John Edwards and Ben Franklin have in common is they both want to give suggestions on how to make your self a better person. (As opposed to a similarity that they don't have in common?)
If people would just open there eyes and realize how much better people were back then, and then put to and to together and learn that they had the right principles and values in mind. (Not even a complete sentence...to and to...oy!)
So people pf [sic] today how about getting acts together and living the way are four fathers worked so hard for the people of this time to be able to live. (Do you have 4 fathers?)

Okay, enough hilarity for one evening. Tomorrow night I'm grading freshmen essays...oh boy. Can't wait.