Unwanted Status
My friend Bethany recently posted about an article about Christian singleness from Focus on the Family entitled "Rethinking the Gift of Singleness." I will try not to repeat the things that she says here about it, but I did have some of my own thoughts.
First, like Bethany, I must qualify: I am highly in favor of marriage, love, family, children, celebrating the fact that God made men and women differently, and doing all I can to serve God in my life.
The thing that bothers me most about this article is the langauge she uses to describe singleness, especially for women. "Singles are often reduced to extolling singleness...", "...many Christian singles resign themselves to this less-than-ideal state...", "our collective recklessness" toward relationships, "unwanted status" as singles, "Women will have no relief from the present holding cell of unwanted singleness until we recapture a world life view that exalts marriage as both a blessing and an obligation." Holding cell of unwanted singleness? Less-than-ideal state? Thank you, Ms. Maken, for telling me I am in an less-than-ideal state. After reading this article, I feel like I am in a "jail" of singleness, waiting for some man to come with the key to rescue me.
She also talks about how singleness is unbiblical, but the only evidence that she uses to back up that claim is that most people in the Bible married, so therefore singleness is unbiblical. Nowhere does she reference any other Scripture besides refuting I Cor. 7. Most people in the Bible didn't wear tennis shoes, eat ice cream, or go to baseball games. Does that make those things unbiblical also? The logic here baffles me.
She's right on a few things, though. There are issues with the current dating system, and "perennial bachelors" (and bachelorettes) can get into a pattern of living a very selfish and childish life.
Perhaps this is my Reformed/Calvin College/Lilly Vocation Project sensibilities speaking, but I have a very difficult time believing that God has not specifically called me into the place that I am in the current marital status that I am. I'm not sure I could handle the first year of teaching and marriage at the same time. I understand that the church is built around the institution of family, and that we do need to "replenish the nursery of the church," but am I not called to more than that in life? I refuse to believe that I am currently in a holding pattern, biding my time and waiting to land in the hangar of marriage. I see more than 150 kids a day ("covenant kids," as I was reminded by the school board yesterday). Can I not fulfill my commitment that I make at each baptism in my church to help these kids grow up in a Christian way through my teaching? She says that a call to singleness and celibacy are not the same thing. I think that celibacy/singleness can be a calling for a season in life. Also, like Bethany pointed out, is a bad marriage really better than no marriage? That's scary. Yes, I'd like to be married some day, but until I find a man that helps me serve God better together than we can by ourselves, I'm happy to live a full life as a single person.
Thoughts? Reactions?
For other people's perspectives, check out what Bethany and Ron had to say.
posted by KBush @ 3:31 PM
5 Comments
5 Comments:
One of the things I've been thinking about recently, and discussing with some students, is the idea of calling. How quickly we forget (or choose not to acknowledge) that sometimes the place we're at is the place that God is calling us to--right here, right now. Calling is not always "next year" or "the future"...I am as called to get up today and teach as I was called to come here in the first place.
Singlehood is no more preparing me for "the next step in life" as any day in my life prepares me for the next day. of course life builds on itself.
Hanging out lately with a lot of 30something single people has really changed my rhetoric about singlehood, and also my appreciation for simply being content where one is. My least favourite conversations occur when someone asks me what my 33 year old room mate's "problem" is for being single. She doesn't see it as a problem, so why should anyone else?
anyways, just thought I'd share and add on...keep up the great dialogue!
Why do we consider singleness to be a curse? Do we tell ourselves internally that if we are not married by 35, life will be a failure? Personally, instead of assuming that people will be married at some point in time, I find it more accurate (but maybe not more romantic :) to assume that they will never marry. In the language of calling and vocation, I don't think either single or married status has enough clout to be considered a calling, and are simply vocations. Some choose (or are led to) either for the majority of their lives. I think God calls us to be faithful, not just married.
We don't call marraige a "training ground" for life after the death of a spouse. But, of course, a serious marraige will prepare for the possibility. Why should we consider singleness only as preparation for marraige, when this is only part of what happens along the way?
Cheers for the dialogue...
Centuries ago those who argued for singleness and chastity for committed Christians (particularly clergy) marshalled a number of arguments to support their position. Today some of us would find not find all those arguments persuasive (particularly the dualistic arguments that suggested fleshly things were somehow less spiritual than mental ones). Even so, one of their sounder arguments, in my judgment, was the one that said that the Church is not primarily about institutional survival, and that being childless is an act of faith, since God is able "from these stones to raise up children" (Luke 3:1-9). In other words, to suppose that "replenishing the nursery of the church" is the Christian's duty -- that, I think, is profoundly unbiblical.
I think Ron is right (Jn 1:13 is somewhat pertinent as well).
I just read (and recommend) Laura Smit's book Loves Me, Loves Me Not: The Ethics of Unrequited Love. It helped set me straight in the proper perspective towards singlehood. In 1 Cor. 7, Paul says that the default status of a Christian is to be single. If we truly believe this, we will be much more serious about finding a mate who will help us and whom we will help to be better servants of our King. This view will also help us to properly respect those who are single and keep us from wanting to marry simply to escape the scary state of singlehood.
I haven't been able to find the article, but I'm not sure how someone could believe that being single is unbiblical, especially if the one on whom our redemption depends was unmarried during his life on earth.
Wow. I've suspected for a while that the majority of the church has a kind of "shame on you" attitude towards singles (hence singles groups and the myriad efforts of the church to "cure" us of this unfortunate condition) but I've never seen this view stated so explicitly. Apparently 50% of all church couples (or whatever the true number is) are so happy being married that they just can't stand to live together anymore... It's funny, because I suspect that many Calvin marriages are rushed, at least in part, due to fears of remaining single, illusions of marriage granting permanent security/companionship, etc. I'm not really convinced that being single creates any more/worse problems for me than being married would (although research suggests that single men die earlier and and less healthy than married men...draw your own conclusions). I suppose my point is that the church shouldn't encourage the idolization of marriage and sex any more than it already has.
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